by RILEY MILLER

ASHTON KUTCHER-SAVVY REPUBLICAN, Ms. Ros-Lehtinen, Senior-most member of the Foreign Relations Committee, hung up on Pres. elect Obama three times in a week this month, determined to assure that, “I won’t be punk’d like that Sarah Palin was punk’d by French Pres. Nicolas Sarkozy a Florida radio station.”

150 WHALES WERE DASHED ON ROCKS off Tasmania’s Coast. In all seriousness, global warming and an increase in human beach noises were alleged suspects in the slayings.

HEAD OF THE RUSSIAN Orthodox Church, reviver of God-dry Communist USSR, and mender of a major Orthodox schism, Patriarch Alexiy II, died.

CONDI RICE FULFILLED HER DREAM by playing piano for the Queen of England. It was announced Hillary will take her job soon and hopes to top the feat and her husband by playing two interns while balancing on a piano and posturing for control of the universe.

IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE, TOM CRUISE lost his Blackberry containing potentially all his naughty little Scientology bits.

SICK OF THE SWISS? In an attempt to curb use, these inverted brandishers of the International Health symbol began prescribing heroin to addicts.

A CHINESE MAN was executed for bilking $440 million out of investors in his “Ant Aphrodisiacs.” $440 million! ANTS!

BUT, no word yet on all the bad milk and poisoned babies.

50 CENT BROKE INTO his Rolls Royce with a coat hanger outside a London Hotel. His Hummer limo full of posse’ were little help, beings none of them had ever “broken into a car.”

THE ROYAL SOCIETY for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals failed to lure a plastic owl from a telephone pole after several hours.

AN EIGHT YEAR OLD was killed by the Uzi submachine gun his father let him fire at a Boston gun show. Dad wanted to take pictures. Lawsuits and blame ensue.

JOHN WALSCH BEGAN America’s Most Wanted in 1988 after the abduction/murder of his six year old son, Adam. Police finally officially named the boy’s killer. Walsch’s comments on closure were very sincere.

PERUVIAN COKE DEALERS hid their product in tons and tons of Grade A pelican doo-dee but did not fool drug dogs.

ITALIAN RIGHT WINGER’S offered cash to expecting parents willing to keep their beloved fascist dictator’s name alive. Seems it was going the way of Adolf.

And finally,

SURPRISE-SURPRISE? Microsoft’s IE is dangerous. A major hole in security was discovered and exploited by password and credit card thieves. Microsoft’s spin involves the speed in which they answered their blunder, “in an unprecedented eight days.”

This has been a month or so in review by Ethos R. Newsworthy.

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