by RILEY MILLER
Since we last saw one another:
A 38 YEAR OLD RICH BOY, NEWLY SUSPECT TO FRAUD CHARGES AND FACING A DIVORCE, set his plane to auto-pilot, parachuted into Alabama, encountered the police wet up to his knees, said he’d been in a canoeing accident, was escorted to a hotel, fled the seen on motor cycle to a camping site, took blood thinners, shot off some emails, was “Internet-tracked” and found alive in a pool of blood, and was arrested in Florida.
OBESE AMERICANS now out weigh the merely overweight.
THIRSTY NEW DEHLIAN COW PEE CONNOISSEURS requested government approval to market and sell the substance as a cure for between 70-80% of diseases.
IN ORDER, TAMPA, SEATTLE, AND CHICAGO were named last years most caffeinated cities.
PERU’S TOP COURT had ruled that workers cannot be fired for being drunk on the job.
Unfortunately,
HALF THE WORLD REMOVED a drunk Russian electrician started a fire at a world-famous Moscow art museum, having fallen asleep while smoking a cigarette.
SAN FRANCISCO had a city-wide pillow fight.
HONG KONG held a wife carrying competition.
THE “FLYING GIZI,” AN 83 YEAR OLD WOMAN WITH A CRIMINAL RECORD for thievery, spanning an impressive sixty years, was apprehended at last in Budapest.
THE IRISH HAVE CALLED OFF THE SEARCH FOR PRAWO JAZDY, its notorious multi-addressed white whale of traffic violations. For “Prawo Jazdy” actually announces “Driver’s License” on Polish cards.
IN AN ATTEMPT TO FURTHER STICK IT TO THE OWNER OF THE RECENT SALMONELLA OUTBREAK, the man who said to his workers about dirty floor fallen peanuts, “Pick these up and turn them into MONEY!”, the massive recalls of his peanuty goods for humans have extended to bird feed as well.
“TRY PHILANTHROCAPITALISM!,”say hopeful harbingers of the new fad directed at supposedly sorry responsible parties of the economic downturn.
THE SECRET SWISS ACCOUNT NO MORE. At least 250 and maybe up to 1000 names of rich Americans thought to be dodging taxes will have their names revealed from the famous USB under pressure from hungry-to-blame U.S. tax authorities.
A TWO YEAR OLD INDIAN BOY WITH A GNARLY FRONT TOOTH was married off to dog by a Sanskrit chanting priest in order to ward off death by wild animals.
The DEATH PENALTY on the way for the two melamine-tainting milk producers, whose poisonous protein enhancers killed at least two and made ill 300,000 babies across China.
And finally,
VASSILIS PALEOKOSTAS. IN THE HELICOPTER. With a rope ladder and a woman bearing an assault rifle. The famous kidnapper, thief, and prisoner has escaped in Greece and is thought to be in the mountains “somewhere.”
This has been a month or so in review by Ethos R. Newsworthy.
February 25th, 2009 at 11:54 am
oh, goodness, the best one yet.
February 25th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
when I read this, I feel like I’ve read a Chris Ware graphic novel written while he was channeling Ripley himself. Also, I go cross-eyed while laughing.
February 27th, 2009 at 9:50 am
I am just glad to hear that China has found the culprits who hurt all those babies. Who do those cows think they are? They deserve to die! It gives me great comfort knowing the Chinese government had nothing to do with it, since most of our food comes from there as well. There could be terrible effects, on our wallets, if Wal-Mart were to begin selling domestic fish in their frozen section!