by RILEY MILLER

BLACK TIED & DOUBLING GOLDEN REVOLVERS crisscrossed their chest, the armed offenders squad of Australia’s Victorian district were replaced this week due to a “disproportionate number” of complaints involving excessive force against these Reservoir Aussie Dog imitators.

STEVE FOSSET, Eagle Scout, millionaire, and multi-world record holder–most notably for the first non-stop flight around the world in a balloon–was confirmed dead last week through DNA tests on his year old, animal ravaged remains.

A NEW BOND FILM, Quantum of Solace grossed more than Harry Potter ever did this week in James’ Britain. The spy guy will appear on American screens come November 14th.

A PULITZER PRIZE SPIDER MAN-4. Say what? The winning playwright, David Lindsay-Abaire, is in final negotiations to write for Columbia.

BARACK OBAMA gets to be America’s second black president, Morgan Freeman being the first.

JUST BEFORE CARNIVAL CRUISE destroyed a 60-foot pinata in Philly containing 4-tons of candy with a wrecking ball, a local policeman suggested the people be removed from beneath it.

JAPAN’S TOP AIR FORCE GENERAL, aka, “a kamikaze commander,” last week claimed Japan was not an “aggressor” in World War Two. He was dismissed.

A BUNCH OF WASILLA hillbillies looted Neiman Marcuses the country-wide.

FASHION PREVAILED over the International-financial crisis, as Parisian runways walked outfits made entirely of chocolate.

MILTON JENSON, mayor of a small town, sent a robocalls announcing a bomb threat to all seven thousand of his constituents in which his wife can be heard in the background saying “You idiot!”

WHEN CONGRESSMAN Barny “Sabertooth” Frank introduced his boyfriend to President Bush, the President responded, “Hi, you see how tolerant I am?”

THE LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE TV series has this week been given the sticker “Banned for Under 18’s” in Finland.

This has been a week or so in review by Ethos R. Newsworthy. An attempt has been made to be interesting.

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